I pretty much give up. I love him completely. I've never loved anyone as much as I love him. Well, I've only ever really loved one person and even he doesn't compare. But at least he loved me back. This guy doesn't. I think he tries to. Or tries to cover up what he feels with me. It's not that he doesn't care, I know that he does. It's just that he doesn't care in a way that means he wants me more than he wants to stop hurting.
He never wants sex. I'll be the first to admit that in most situations it wouldn't really work. However there are many many opportunties. He says it's because it doesn't do it for him. That it's a problem for him. Sometimes I wonder if its because it's the one line that when he crosses it he will feel guilty about. He can go into this angry aggressive place and hold me down and shove his dick in my mouth. He can go inside of himself for that. He has to come outside for sex though. That bothers him. It bothers him because he doesn't mean it.
I tried to tell him no more physical. We sat there for 4 hours talking and crying. So of course 2 nights later I fuck him. He wanted me when he couldn't have me. He wants me when he needs a reason to forget and a reason to stop thinking.
It's October. They broke up in October. I have been dreading this month since I started to care for him. I felt like if he was just better by now then it would be ok. He isn't though.
So now I'm just worrying. Worrying because I know he cuts. He's good at it too from what I understand. Better than I ever was. It's not the big stupid slashes for everyone to see. His are the quiet little ones that no one sees. The kind you watch bleed and really feel like its helping. I remember I used to like my blood drip into water. When it hit the surface it would break into little crimson swirls. If you don't touch the water it doesn't mix. Doesn't turn pink. Then you have little swirling spots in the water. I wonder if he ever does that. Or if he is the kind that drips into tissues and then cleans up as soon as he can.
I love him. I love him with ever inch of me and with my entire heart and soul. In the end though it means nothing. He doesn't want me. Hasn't wanted me. Not for anything else then to put salve on his wounds. He tells me he doesn't want to use me. I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to or because he knows he is and it makes him feel guilty.
It's amazing to think that a person who: will hold me as close as he does, come get me when I'm upset, is one of 2 people that tells me I'm beautiful, kisses me like he never wants to stop, rubs the top of my hand with his thumb when he is holding it, tells me he wishes that I was there when I'm not, is not letting go of someone else. When you get right down to it, I'm a poor man's Emily. I'm the thing that he is taking for now so sometimes he can forget. I'm competing with a ghost and I can't win. A ghost can be around all the times I'm not.
I want to give up and stop trying. Maybe I will. He always says he doesn't want to lose me. I guess he'll miss getting blow jobs. Or having someone who wants to take care of him. I don't know what he would miss. But I'm starting to think that my net loss her far exceeds my net gain. Part of me wants to not answer the next time he calls. Maybe this time I really won't
10:22 a.m. - 2005-10-06
Recent entries:
tjhtg - 2006-04-06
How I really feel about him. - 2005-10-06
unending rage - 2005-10-05
on rings - 2005-10-04
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